September 10th

A Time to Remember

With loss, there was darkness.

I have never been good at dealing with death. When my grandmother passed away, I remember leaving her home and sitting on her steps rocking back and forth sobbing uncontrollably. And when my grandfather passed away six months later, there were questions boiling beneath my skin and itching to escape. I have watched family and friends alike exit this life and it always hits me in a way that I could never describe, wherein my life appears to have overnight lost its every purpose. My faith is tested in a manner that grates at the core of me, and I'll find myself flipping through pages and pages of prayers looking for the light in a sea of darkness.

What I have always been good at, however, is stepping up to the plate.

Last week, a friend of mine experienced a loss of her own. Together, Fiance and I opened up our home to her and began to think about how we could accomodate her. Then, over the weekend we found out that one of Fiance's close relatives had passed away. I have been astounded by his ability to overcome this loss, to take everything in stride and to be such a strong man throughout this. As well, we were informed that one of my relatives had been checked into the hospital, and subsequently a rehabilitation center, after a fall.

It has been a difficult month for Fiance and I. We have been faced with losses, insecurity, and stress. Every time I begin to write something, whatever is going on gets in the way. We both expect everything to settle down within the next week, but in the meantime I just have to say that Fiance has been a hero through everything - especially considering his recent loss. He was excited about waking up early to surprise my mom for Mother's Day, and he has been looking forward to my family reunion this weekend almost as much as I have. He has been encouraging with regards to Jet's death - reminding me that people deal with grief in different ways - and strong with regards to his own. I am so proud of him and so thankful that our relationship has solid foundations, that we are able to go through these things together however distant either of us may be from time to time.

So when things come to halt around here, I'll write a little more. In the meantime, I am just using this post to record what is going on in my life. However difficult this month has been, it is a period in my life that I don't want to forget.

Dear Me of Yesterday,

Hey there, little Miss September. That was a big Easter celebration; I'm so proud of you remembering everyone's name! In fact, since you did such a fantastic job maneuvering between fifty people and introducing your in-laws-to-be to those crazy folks you call your family, I'll almost overlook your HUGE social faux pas. Almost... Next time when a large group of people is toasting your engagement, pay attention, okay? They don't want to raise their glasses and look over to see you in a tiff with your sister.

She didn't mean to pour champagne all down your shirt and pants and camera, after all. So if it ever happens again, just let it slide and take it with grace. Trust me that you will not remember the flurry of words that happens when you're trying to figure out what the hell was going on with your sister's champagne. But you will always regret that you denied yourself the opportunity to enjoy, to experience, and to remember your family and your friends joined together in one happy moment. You will always remember that you missed what was potentially one of the most heartwarming moments of your life thus far. So many people came together to congratulate you, to wish you and Fiance well, and to show the two of you their love and support and you? Sarah, you let that moment pass you by in favor of fighting with your sister. You will always wish that you had been paying enough attention to thank them for such a thoughtful toast and you will never forget that you acted unreasonably and immaturely in front of several dozen people who love and care about you. And yes, you will cry because afterwards you will find that champage spilled all over costs most people a change of clothes, but you? Your foolishness cost you a memory. One of the memories you had been waiting for your entire life, one of the memories you had been looking forward to, and one of the memories you will never have a chance to make again.

It also cost you a photograph. But that's beside the point.

The point is that you should live your life as if each day were your last and when you missed that toast, you failed that mission in a split second. Because they may forgive you for missing that memory, Sarah, but you will never forgive yourself. So if you ever have that chance again, do me one big favor:
Don't. Blow. It.

Oh, and also? Don't wait until the next day to apologize to your parents. But if you do, you know what? They still love you, even if you do play the part of jacka** rather well.

Love,
Me of Today

How the Grinch Stole That One Day in February

I've been reading alot of blogs written by people who had amazing Valentine's Days. Apparently, around the blogosphere February 14th was filled with fancy schmancy dinners, outings to the spa, bouquets of flowers, alcoholic interludes, and the like. In the spirit of the day, many bloggers have been inviting fellow writers to tell romantic stories of their own.

In the spirit of such a lovey-dovey holiday, I thought I'd tell you how my Valentine's Day went as well. And then, I figured I'd follow that short paragraph up with a more romantic tale of how Boyfriend and I met. Then I realized CRAP! that I met Boyfriend at work when he was up to his elbows in bicycle gear grease. If that doesn't have ooh baby take me now written all over it then I don't know what does.

So Valentine's Day? Yeah, about that.

See, a few weeks ago, I started dropping not-so-subtle hints reminders that Valentine's Day was fast approaching and I began to ask what plans he had for the holiday. Boyfriend told me - and by this I mean he made perfectly clear - that he was purchasing tickets to an opera in March. I love just about any event that includes a performance and a stage, so I was thrilled. An opera! With a stage! And singing! As a date! For Valentine's! Yippee! I thought for a few days afterwards about what I should buy for Boyfriend. Before he told me about the opera tickets, we had discussed a simple weekend picnic and my uber-fantastic plan had been to wrap up a pair of kites. We both, after all, love to fly kites and it has been rather windy around here lately. Next to the opera tickets, however, two kites didn't sound like enough.

I know, dear Internet, that you're wondering how I got around the problem of how to make sure my gift to Boyfriend was equally as wonderful as his. And so, I'll tell you. When Boyfriend came through the door Wednesday evening with a romantic card and a small white ticket envelope, I returned the gesture with...absolutely nothing.

Zilch.

Nada.

Nyet.

Luckily, Boyfriend already knew I was the biggest loser the planet had ever encountered BEFORE he started dating me...