September 10th

A Time to Remember

With loss, there was darkness.

I have never been good at dealing with death. When my grandmother passed away, I remember leaving her home and sitting on her steps rocking back and forth sobbing uncontrollably. And when my grandfather passed away six months later, there were questions boiling beneath my skin and itching to escape. I have watched family and friends alike exit this life and it always hits me in a way that I could never describe, wherein my life appears to have overnight lost its every purpose. My faith is tested in a manner that grates at the core of me, and I'll find myself flipping through pages and pages of prayers looking for the light in a sea of darkness.

What I have always been good at, however, is stepping up to the plate.

Last week, a friend of mine experienced a loss of her own. Together, Fiance and I opened up our home to her and began to think about how we could accomodate her. Then, over the weekend we found out that one of Fiance's close relatives had passed away. I have been astounded by his ability to overcome this loss, to take everything in stride and to be such a strong man throughout this. As well, we were informed that one of my relatives had been checked into the hospital, and subsequently a rehabilitation center, after a fall.

It has been a difficult month for Fiance and I. We have been faced with losses, insecurity, and stress. Every time I begin to write something, whatever is going on gets in the way. We both expect everything to settle down within the next week, but in the meantime I just have to say that Fiance has been a hero through everything - especially considering his recent loss. He was excited about waking up early to surprise my mom for Mother's Day, and he has been looking forward to my family reunion this weekend almost as much as I have. He has been encouraging with regards to Jet's death - reminding me that people deal with grief in different ways - and strong with regards to his own. I am so proud of him and so thankful that our relationship has solid foundations, that we are able to go through these things together however distant either of us may be from time to time.

So when things come to halt around here, I'll write a little more. In the meantime, I am just using this post to record what is going on in my life. However difficult this month has been, it is a period in my life that I don't want to forget.

I Want my Baby Back

I'm sorry that I haven't written, but it's been hard to write lately; I miss my baby.

Since someone killed my Jetboy, alot has happened. My sister painted a canvas that she called "Memories of Jet," and then Fiance and I framed the painting of Jetboy that my dad made a few years ago. On Monday, there was a car accident mere seconds after I left an intersection that involved six cars and two deaths. It was strange - and by strange I mean that it is hard to wrap my head around the idea that two people died while I was at an intersection and I didn't know. And not only did I not know, but I just assumed that the people in the cars over there were fine. What did I do while they died? I asked a woman if she was alright and when she screamed at me to take her kids out of the car, I did. We sat on the corner and we waited. I guess that the strange thing about it is that I don't feel guilty.

I feel guilty about Jet's death. I feel like I should have been there. Like I should have MADE SURE that the fence was secure. Like I should have been there. I play and replay his death, worrying and wishing and feeling devastated. But the car accident with the kids and the deaths? The car accident that requires police statements and phone calls and drawings? I feel like I did everything that I could, it wasn't my fault, and I didn't know. And the devastation I feel at having lost my Jetboy is absolutely unparalleled with the awkwardness I feel regarding the other accident.

Other things have happened since Jet's death as well - things like wedding plans and adopting two new dogs (we named them Dante and Thor) and family reunion plans and a brand new idea that is slowly changing Fiance's and my life - and I think most people would say that the biggest thing in my life that has happened since would be that other car accident.

But me? I would say that it was the one night since Jet's death when I didn't break down sobbing against Fiance and gasping that I wanted my baby back. Because that night has affected me more deeply than any of the other things combined and that night is the one that is making it impossible for me to write. I miss my baby.

I hope there are LOTS of tennis balls in Heaven

My parents bought me a black dog one year for Christmas. A few weeks after the holiday, my father and I drove out to a breeder in Cherry Valley where two labs were looking for a home. I chose the black one because he was beautiful, shy, interesting, sweet. And I named him Jet. Yesterday morning, somebody driving a car on a road near my parents' home didn't stop. Jet had been out all night - only the second time in six years he had strayed for longer than an hour - and my understanding is that he was dead upon impact. And that's all there was to it. My baby, my sillygoosedog, was gone.

I never realized how lost I would feel without Jet until I heard the telephone message that there had been an accident and all the neighbors had was his collar. So now I worry about how lost he felt without me when he was trying to find home. And Jetboy? I'm really sorry I wasn't there. We loved you and we miss you.